All The Depression

I was afraid to ask. I didn’t know which outcome I honestly wanted, and feared I would despair at any response. 

However, Will noticed that I was avoiding something because of fear. Therefore, we decided to take immediate action. Scourge coiled lightly in my belly, looking up at me with uncomfortable eyes.

Questions take no time to ask. Answers are seldom hard to receive. 

I stand in a storm. The clouds are gray and black, and swirl about me. They are full of unheard sound, raging potential. My question strikes the storm, becomes the wind that billows them around. 

The answer returns like thunder, shaking me with its sureness, its existence.

Go back to him.

I recall occasionally. I know it, underneath everything else. Life is a process, an attempt, to forget it. However, as one would expect, life is shit at managing it.

I need to die. There’s no direct reason. It’s not because my body fucks up attempts at sex. It’s not because my life points directly towards a path of loneliness. It’s not because I’m gay, pagan, white, middle class, mediocre, understanding, kind, intelligent, or anything else. Nothing but one clear, decisive cause.

I am alive.

It is a horrible way to be. Plenty of people here write stories about demons and other mysterious beings wanting in. Honestly, I suspect that if they exist, they are here, and they want out. And I wouldn’t blame them for a second.

I need a quiet place to rest from my thoughts. Somewhere to huddle and forget why everything hurts.

1. 2:35 AM
2. 3:08 AM
3. 3:30 AM
4. 4:12 AM
5. Milk - 5:00ish AM
6. 5:29 AM
7. 7:00 AM
8. 8:05 AM
9. 9:22 AM
10. Cup of tea
11. Cup of different tea
12. Cup of coffee
13. 11:00 AM
14. 11:54 AM
15. 12:47 PM
16. 12:25 PM
17. 1:59 PM
18. 3:03 PM
19. 6:13 PM
20. 6:32 PM
21. 8:28 PM
22. 10:45 PM

When concepts turn into concepts, stuff is fucking weird?

Like the sound that I make on my keyboard, I can “see” it like little waves that don’t go very far. My music is louder, but it doesn’t go all that far. And I am sitting here, and I can feel the whole universe just surrounding me, massive and vast and making the sound around me seem small and meaningless by comparison. Which it is.

It’s like if I was god, and I wrote the saddest story ever told, and that was this world.

Good evening, Midnight.

It would seem you carry a slightly depressing atmosphere this evening. How will you treat me, on this after-yesterday date?

Will you invite Fading along, or perhaps your good friend Languid? We do enjoy their company.

Is it just that you hate my new acquaintance? Is Math really so terrible, that you will bring his enemies on our date so he will be abused and crawl under the couch, sobbing?

I fear that I will have to break up with you, if you insist on scaring away my company. I love you, dear. Please, don’t push me away, don’t push my company away.  

Why the hell is there 65 questions in the next homework!? That is so unnecessary! How dare you!? I can’t believe I thought it would make sense to learn all of Statistics in about three weeks. Shit… The rest of them better not be like this. I have to do two double days already, I think… I wonder how many questions the Midterms have…

Also it is really late. I need to go to sleep so I can do this shit tomorrow. Oh, dogged persistence, join me in my quest for statistical completion these coming WEEKS. Sigh… Midterms have 50 questions it would seem. I hope the test for this next homework doesn’t have as many questions.

The things vary, I am not always talking/listening to the same thing. Sometimes, I am talking to my spirit guides. I have 3 I talk to occasionally. (I am supposed to talk to them more.) One is humanoid, one is a raven and another is an owl. The humanoid reminds me of Sphere. I am usually referring to something else when I say “things” though. It is usually a sort of awareness thing? Like… I feel out into the universe for what is correct? I take the idea, and “ask” about it, and it comes back as right or wrong. I can ask why, but that is a little more difficult. It’s similar to the Golden Road thing. I know what needs to happen, and if I keep doing it things will go as they are supposed to. I can ‘check’ what things are on that road, and what are not. There are several ways I picture it. It can be the Golden Road idea, or it can be the universal tapestry thing. My fate is laid out before me, and I am a thread of the universe. If I change from where I am supposed to go, the threads are tangled for a while because of it, causing snags and knots that hold me back. And I can, if I feel like it, take the idea offered by Homestuck, because the picturing is really for me, while the same fundamentals still apply. I could be talking to horrorterrors, and when I don’t do what I say they bite or slap with tentacles into my life.

Oh my god, this is all so confusing, I should see a therapist, this cannot be good for my brain. But they told me not to see a therapist. When I don’t listen to them stuff goes wrong. Oh? First off, you’re listening to ‘voices’ (loose term) who are siding with your fears. Second, you’re doing that baseless paranoia thing where “things will just… go wrong,” if you don’t listen to them. That is so classical schizophrenia it’s not even funny. Fuck. Shit. It super is… But, what I am doing is also totally accepted by the magical community? It is a religion/culture thing that actually seems to work? We both know that there have been plenty of correlations between following or not following what the things tell me to do, and whether or not stuff goes well. But it’s all in your head! You’re are skating on thin ice! No one, especially not you, would be able to tell the difference between schizos and what you’re doing! Well, maybe the schizos are doing the same thing, and it has been magic the whole time. You have got to be shitting me. Would you listen to yourself? SCHIZOIDS ARE NOT MAGIC, they are ill. Some of them probably just had all this fucking confusion, and THAT is what drove them nuts. All your arguments are baseless. God dammit, but MAGIC. We have all been experiencing the shit out of that forever! Could we really have been this bad our whole lives? Are we getting worse? “We have all been experiencing the shit out of that forever,” is another good reason to see a therapist, you crazy. Hush. You aren’t even sure about your argument. That doesn’t stop it from being a good argument. We also understand that magic isn’t a logical thing, and doesn’t lend well to argumentation. Not the actual magic part. We could argue about how to rituals and spells, but that isn’t magic and we know it. Magic is the wild wind that blows between worlds, and doesn’t have anything to do with human logic at all. Maybe if they drug me up, or lock me up (@_@ DDD:), I will lose my abilities. All of the things we can do… Everyone thinks we are kind and talented. Maybe a little naive and underexposed. Which is crazy, because oh here it comes. LIGHT BLACK ==> Arise. Well, the world really is pretty terrible, would you look at that? Also, sure magic but whatever. Nothing really matters. But it does. And doesn’t. >_>_>__> Aggg, EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL IS UGLY. *wild swinging and coexisting* Look at all of that magic, look at all that emptiness. The world is a hollow heartbeat, and it flows like knives through me.